Ok -
firstly, I did not write this myself (unfortunately), and secondly, this is
probably one of the funniest things I've read in a couple of months...It’s
funny ‘cause it’s true.
I'm not
going to edit out any swearing - that would subtract from the general feeling
of this, and again - not my words, so I don't think it's right for me to
interfere. I wish I knew who the person was who wrote this, so I could give
them credit…
Well done!
Please enjoy
- I'm sure all single people will agree.
" Ten Things Your Single Friends Are Tired Of
Hearing
1) “You’ll find
it when you aren’t looking!” This is typically where your advice starts.”It’ll
come along when you least expect it,” is also “You’ll find it when you aren’t
looking“‘s retarded little sister. You can all just go fuck right the fuck off
after you say this to anyone who is single. This is a ridiculous statement.
We’re programmed to look for it. It’s in our genetic makeup and all that
scientifick-y shit. That’s like saying, “hey, you know that dream career you
want? Fuck working at it. It’ll happen when you least expect it. One day you’ll
be walking down the street and BAM you’ll be a fucking CEO. And it’ll be
success after success for years after, but don’t work for it or anything like
that. Just maybe chill out on this couch. It’ll come to you.” You need to stop
telling us not to look for it, because let me tell you something, there have
been times I have been looking for a pen and instead some serendipitous moron
came along that I thought could have been Prince Charming (but turned out
instead to be Prince Fuckface,) and there have been days and times and months
and years where I wasn’t looking for it, and guess what came along? A jar of
Nutella and a few bananas between some slices of white bread.
2) “You can’t
be happy in a relationship unless you’re happy with yourself first.” This is
true. BUT there are those of us who ARE actually happy with who we are. BRO.
I’m happy with myself. I’m so fucking happy with myself I actually wake up every
morning and brush my teeth with rainbows after I piss excellence and wash my
face with glory. Seriously though, “finding yourself” is a process in life, and
I don’t think you’re ever really “done,” per se. Am I completely different
person than I was in college? Not entirely. Have I gone through a ton of real
world shit that has changed my outlook and made me stronger, happier, more
independent, and a fuckload more of a catch? Yes. Am I happy with myself? Yes.
Will I continue to grow and change and all that shit that humans do until they
die? Yes. Consider that it’s not that all of us happy single people need
someone in our lives to dote on us and make us happier, it’s that we’re finally
happy and we want someone to share it with. Also, a lot of you “happy” fucks in
relationships seem like you need to have a few weeks on your own to evaluate
yourselves. The incessant need for your boyfriend to text you back within
thirty seconds after a text followed by a shitfit may not be the best proof
surrounding your statement. Try again.
3) “You’re
still young, you got all the time in the world.” You’re still fucking annoying.
We don’t give a shit how old we are. Age isn’t really what we’re complaining
about. And although many of us are young, we still have examples of people who
are old and alone every day. And that’s terrifying. So your logic is moot.
Also, don’t call me “kid” at the end of that statement. If you’re older than
me, and you add a “kid” onto the end in a sort of “endearing” way, I will legit
find a way to light you and your family on fire.
4) “You deserve
someone who wants to give you everything.” Hey, shithead, I couldn’t agree
more. Actually after hearing this a couple dozen times it makes me feel like
you’re just saying it to avoid the conversation about how depressing it is that
no one has come along yet. You could list off a million reasons why I’m worth
all the love and unicorns and mermaids in the world, and I would be on your
page a hundred percent. As a matter of fact, I would have written more pages
after we were both done being on your page, so that we could also be on those
pages as well. So now that I know what I deserve, what clever thing do you have
to say that will make me feel better about the fact that the universe has
decided to hold out on giving me the things I deserve?
5) “You’re
looking in the wrong places.” This one’s particularly good. Because then I get
to ask the follow up question of “then please tell me where I should be
looking.” Tell me more about this magical land that you found your significant
other? OH, was it WORK? Or was it the GYM? Or were you SET UP? Please tell me,
because I guarantee, I have had some type of dating experience with someone
from each place you say is the “right” place to look. You fuckheads seem to think
all of us single people just go out to bars and get trashed and try to marry
the first thing that buys us a round of shots. Just because I go to bars
occasionally does not mean I have a belief I’m going to meet the man I’m going
to marry in a Cabo Cantina. Consider that sometimes we just want some vodka and
loud music. You know, to drown out your shitty dating advice.
6) ”You should
try online dating!” And you should try seeing how much of your head you can fit
into an oven. Internet dating is essentially Craigslist missed connections with
direct messaging and a few more pictures of Carl’s body after a workout.
OKCupid, Match.com, Christianmingle (WHY GOD, WHY) all of these sites are
probably the WORST place to find real love. Love isn’t something that you
should have to read manifestos and “6 things I can’t live without” sections to
find. It’s probably one of the most inorganic ways to find someone, in my
opinion, and I’m not knocking it, but there’s no way I’m setting up an online
profile for the likes of James, the recently divorced father of three, and
Tucker, the obsessive college junior with a wandering eye. I’ll be at the bar.
7) “You’re too
picky.” OH, I’M SORRY. Please, lead me to your lair of Meatloaf look-a-likes
and Frankenstein’s with kind hearts. Let’s be clear, I’m not picky, I’m just
trying to make sure I don’t end up with someone half-blind, who is a closeted
alcoholic, and has enough emotional baggage to figuratively crash a 747.
8) “Oh hey, but
also, never settle.” I don’t even have anything to say for this. There’s too
much rage from number 7.
9) “You need to
put yourself out there more.” Unless I need to be naked on the corner of Santa
Monica Blvd. cooking brownies, making sandwiches, throwing paychecks in the air
and simultaneously holding twins, I think I’m doing a pretty good job. But hey,
if you have any more advice on REALLY putting myself out there, let me know.
Maybe existing as a human being and going places and meeting people in the
world just isn’t enough.
10) “I’m Engaged!”
Love, Single People Everywhere "
